The Queer Fat Love Tragedy

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Can I just gush about how in love my partner and I are for a minute? Look at us, we’re fucking adorable. Our queer fat love is beautiful.

And I mean, we truly are two queer fat folks disgustingly in love.

In the midst of a super dreamy weekend together, complete with antique shop browsing and brunch, our heart eyes for each other were out of this world. But we still began to wonder, “How does this play out? Do we get to be like this forever? It feels too good to be true.”

Have you ever felt that way? So incredibly thankful for a human being you’re obsessed with? You love every single part of them, you communicate really well, the sex is stellar, and ya laugh till your abs hurt? (I knew I had abs in there somewhere…).

What a great feeling. Until its not. We both found ourselves going from thankful to worried. We’re afraid that our beautiful, dreamy, love is bound to end in tragedy. We are actually scared that our partner is going to die in a car accident or contract some life threatening illness. Queer fat couples should not be anticipating heartache and despair. Why are we doing that?

What Do We Got?

Queer fat people feel this way because of the lack of positive representation. Plain and simple. What would queer fat love even look like?

What do we even have? We are either dealing with a tragic end like Dana and Alice from The L Word, the complicated (and somewhat annoying if you ask me) weight loss/health centered dynamic like Kate and Toby from This Is Us or Mike & Molly, or…well I can’t even think of a popular fat and queer couple in the media. Sure, there’s a fat lesbian here and there. But how often do you see a fat queer woman portrayed as anything other than the punching bag for fat dyke jokes?

What Do We Need?

Queer fat people need representation of love that doesn’t end in tragedy. We need queer fat couples falling in love on television. We rarely get to see that! Queer fat babes dating instead of pining after forbidden love. Being intimate. Setting goals and achieving them. We want to see queer fat couples with success. And sure, it’ll be complicated and messy sometimes as all relationships are. But we desperately need to change that tragic queer love narrative to something a little more like:

Oh! And one more thing. We want queer fat old people! I grew up in Western Massachusetts y’all. I know fat queer older adults are out there. They show us younger queer fatties that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. That we do actually get to own a home, raise kids, have a business, and win awards and shit. Get stories like that out in the media! Lets start making films about queer fat people and couples that end with love, peace, and accomplishment.

Do away with that harmful tragic narrative. It ain’t good for your inner peace.

6 Comments

  1. omg this is so helpful and hopeful. my husband and i are fat and have been together for just over 10 years. i avoided marrying him, my true soulmate, because i was and continue to be so afraid of this love ending in tragedy (specifically due to our fatness, even though we both live fat-positively.) he was crestfallen the other day when, after having looked at an old picture of us, i was less impressed with how far we’ve come and more worried about how much fatter we’ve gotten. his reaction and your post both occurred in synchronicity, to remind me to stay out of a negative headspace and enjoy the best love of my life. thank you so much for sharing. wish you and corissa all the best. xoxo

  2. Good post. You bring up some interesting thoughts, but anticipating heartache/despair isn’t specific to being queer and fat. That’s more a human thing, which is why they call the beginning of a relationship the “honeymoon phase.” Honestly, this fear has more to do with a person’s mindset and the baggage being brought to the new relationship. You don’t need to see a positive representation of queer, fat in the media to decide you’re going to have a love that lasts… that’s always up to you and your partner. All the best to you and Corissa.

    • I understand where youre coming from. I think as a person who may not be queer and fat its harder to know what kinds of messages you have gotten your entire life from seeing happily ever afters in the media that have contributed to you being able to just “decide to have a love that lasts.” Our fear isnt about being afraid that we will break up, its about being afraid that one of us will die of aids. Or be brutally beaten. Or go through conversion therapy and be shoved back into the closet. Or die in a tragic accident. Our love is always portrayed as “forbidden,” which then means we NEVER get to see representations of ourselves growing old together. Portrayals of our love ALWAYS ends in misery and despair, due to forces outside of the queer couples control. Its not for lack of love or commitment to one another. Thats how its different.

      • Thanks for your response. I really do understand what you’re saying because I used to have those same types of fears. I’m sorry if it seemed like I making light of anything. I grew up super catholic so I get fearing conversion therapy. I even left my home state for a year because I was so afraid of what would happen when I came out. My partner and I are both latina, and being gay is still not very accepted very well in the culture. We’ve been together 18 years, so it’s been a process. And as for queer and fat, well I’ve been fat my whole life so I definitely understand that part of it too. In fact, that’s why I was so compelled to respond to your post (btw, you write very well!). I believe the saying “what you fear you create” is very true. Not everyone does, but I’ve seen enough evidence of it to be careful of the fears that creep into my brain. I just wanted to offer a different point of view. The issues you mention, like dying in an accident and aids, can happen to anyone no matter their sexual orientation/outward appearance. You can’t control other people, but you can control your own mindset. Thanks for such an interesting topic!

  3. Even being straigh I like to read your post because they have a lot of truth in them. Truth that need to be exposed and tell the world not only because you are out there and you deserve all you want need and desire. Because you are as human as anyone queer or not. You may ask why I keep reading and posting to your posts, well the thing is that not only I have many queer friends but also a Sister who is the mother of my two Godsons and thank to her I could brake social taboos and be the man I am now. In fact also a watercolor painter that loves to make paintings about body aceptance and the best part of it, most of all my models are queer fat awesome models.
    Big Hugs and never stop doing this, you are doing the right thing!!!

  4. I think you write so well, and I absolutely gree that different kinds and types of people and love need to be expressed more and normalized in media at large! However, in regards to the fears your significant other will die or be hurt or anything else – I wanted to encourage you that you are not alone in these fears, even as a fat queer individual! The fear that the person you love most in the world will be taken from you by some event out of your control… these are fears ALL people deal with, whether they’re fat, queer, white, of color, privileged, non-privileged, etc. Not that the fear itself is always a positive thing, but it is a normal thing that comes along with love – the most positive thing life has to offer.

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